Setting: Eating pizza in NJ pizzeria/restaurant with b/f. (B=boyfriend, M=Me)
B: How's the pizza?
M: It's okay.
B: I've really missed NJ pizza, DC doesn't have this type of pizza. Their pizza sucks.
M: yeah, I know, you've told me.
M: I think we should discuss, the issues we have been having, with your doubts and my concerns with our relationship.
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Okay, here is where I need to make my points clear and do my best to understand his points and be resolve the issues we have. This meeting is very important. Saturday is our anniversary and this discussion will determine if Saturday is going to be celebrated.
I was thinking about starting off slowly and bring in the major topics:
Maybe discuss the doubts he has mentioned to me:
My stubborness
My lack of being domesticated in his eyes
My lack of paying enough attention to him in the past.
My grumpiness during the Bermuda vacation he paid for.
Now my doubts:
His mother issues
His commitment issues
His doubts issues
His lack of attention when it matters issue.
Lets start down the list. I must keep in mind he will interrupt me and try to make it seem that everything is my fault and he does not need to change anything about himself. He will also make it seem that our relationship is going down hill all because of me.
My stubborness
Okay, he believes because I am stubborn I can not change without it being a battle on him.
To me, he is wrong. He is wrong because I have changed for him. I have dressed better for him I have called him more. Even though he denies that I have been calling him more..but I have the phone bills to prove it(and no I will not show them as proof. I shouldn't have to.) I call him on my lunch break and I call him on my way home but to him I do not call him and I was making a point to call him before midnight. I have been more aware of his concerns and feelings when he states them in a good manner. NOT when he nags, NOT when he makes me feel like shit, NOT when he thinks that he is God's gift to me and he can treat me how ever he feels and I am suppose to just do as he says.
For instance, when I discuss about the domestic personality he believes I lack, we will get into more detail regarding how he can state his issues and actually get a positive solution out of it.
My lack of being domesticated in his eyes
Ahh, look at that, we are already at our domestic issue. Okay, let us begin a month ago and a half ago when Don told me he wanted me to cook more for him. He made me breakfast and light snacks while i didn't do anything for him. He stated this fact and i told him I would cook more for him. I did make a point to say I was not going to cook everyday for him. So, of course after this discussion I thought it was over.
Oh God, was I wrong.
This man decided that I was not going to change, that the next time he saw me nothing would change..or that I would change only for a short period of time. So, even though after this discussion we did not see each other, he decided that he would not pay attention to me for 2 weeks so that he can 'evaluate his doubts' regarding our relationship. During these 2 weeks, I figured he was grumpy about his job and didn't want to talk much. He did state in an email one day that he was grumpy the night before so I figured that he was just grumpy and not ignoring me. What ending up happenining is, after 2 weeks I asked him about it and he let me know that he was evaluating our relationship and that I should do the same thing. He let me know that he had doubts about us(the first set of issues I listed above.) and that I needed to take a few days to evaluate us.
Now, of course I start freaking out. I mean come on..you just calmly tell me you are evaluating our relationship for the past 2 weeks ignoring me and now you are done and its my turn and I should come to the same conclusion that something is wrong. Did I mention I was freaking out about this? Well, I was...because to me everything was fine, he was just a little grumpy. So I did evaluate us..for like an hour because I was freaking out. Then I called him and texted him like a stalker and of course he took his time in responding and told me I was freaking out and being paranoid, which I probably was.
Now, the next day he decides to tell me that he feels when I come to his place I don't pull my weight around the house. He does the laundry, he does the dishes and I just sit there and let him. Of course I sit there and let him! to me if you already have dishes there sitting there all day Friday and I use one cup, you should be able to clean it without issue. If you are already doing laundry and there are a couple of my clothes being added to it, it shouldn't be an issue to just add it considering you are doing laundry anyway. He makes it seem like I do not do anything but I have done laundry it is just that when he comes home and sees that I did not fold the laundry he feels I did nothing all day. He doesn't notice that 3 load of laundry it done and the bed sheets are clean and made up. He doesn't notice the things I do because not everything is completely finished when he get home.
So, in conclusion he finally did state his frustration in a calm manner by letting me know "hey, I do things while you are here and I do not feel you do anything". If he had just said that in the beginning it would have been understood more clearly because he is all about fairness and if I am not pulling my weight I am not being fair. However, in the beginning he just said, "I make you breakfast and you don't cook for me." That statement makes me feel that you only did it to get something back..not to do it just to do it. However, that is the way he is..he always wants something back for his kindness or he feels he is being used.
My lack of paying enough attention to him in the past.
He has constantly told me how I do not pay attention to him when I am at work, with friends, or at home playing online games. He has bitched about this and when I have told him the reasoning he has not understood:
(Phone call at work)
B: "I called you twice at work today why haven't you called me back?"
M: "I am at work, I have been busy all day and I have barely been at my desk."
B: "Well, why didn't you call me back when you got to your desk."
M: "I didn't have my phone on the desk, it was in my bag and I didn't realize you called and I have been busy."
B: "Well, you can't always be busy 100% of the time you must have time for lunch at least."
M: "Sometimes, I eat lunch at my desk, while I am busy working"
(Do you notice a theme here....I do...let's continue shall we)
(Phone call on way to hang out with friends)
M: "Remember, I told you I was hanging out with friends today? Well, I'm heading there now. I wanted to call you before I got there so that we can talk about anything."
B: "Yeah, okay. Have fun with your friends."
M: "I won't call you until I get home or on my way home because I don't get to see them much and I don't want to be on the phone while I'm suppose to be hanging out with them."
B: "I don't understand why you can't communicate with me every couple of hours."
M: "Well, we talk every night regardless if we talk a lot during the day
B: "That is not the point, you should contact me when you get a chance during the day even if you are with your friends having fun."
(Okay, in the above conversation, I think everyone can see his point. However, is it very hard to see my point? Mind you, when he is with his friends..I very rarely care if he calls me or not because I know he is with his friends..and there is nothing wrong with not talking to each other during the day knowing we will speak at night.)
Next installation. I will talk about the rest of the list and the Gaming conversation.
Next installation. I will talk about the rest of the list and the Gaming conversation.
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